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Friday, October 18th, 2002
8:16 pm - Dear Haldir and Grandpa.
I'm sorry to say that while you have been gone, N!A has been up to his old tricks.
He's been causing havoc in the local hospitals and hasn't been seen here for a while. The last we heard of him was when he mailed us this photo.

Don't worry, I'm taking good care of Figwit, and the others have barely left their rooms, so theres no real cause for concern.
I hope you're having a nice time, and that grandpa recovered from that little...joke. Uh...yeah, joke.

current mood: worried

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Tuesday, October 1st, 2002
2:58 pm - Tell me your secrets, I'll tell you no lies.
Took Figwit to get his bandages off yesterday. I hope they changed the paper on the doctors table before the next person used it...

It will be good to have him fit and well and getting stronger again, nice to touch him without worrying about hurting him.

...unless thats what he wants, of course.

Guess I admitted to a little more than I meant to, about my family and about me. The kind of things I'm probably really sick for liking.
I think it all goes back to when I was 30 or so, stuck sitting around outside caves in the misty mountains waiting for the orcs to get done with mum. She had a real thing for them, liked the danger and the pain, and used to tell dad she was taking us hiking and instead sneak off to the orc - nests.

Dad went mad when he found out. Well, she put us in a lot of danger too...he packed her off West and had Glorfindel send out missives saying she'd been in a terrible accident. No one is supposed to know the truth. I dont even know if Grandfather ever found out, so lets hope Haldir is keeping him busy making sandcastles and they don't have computer access there...

But I always wondered, if pain was so terrible, why she liked it so much....I guess I'll never know. But I've always had this fascination...

Anyway, I already told him too much, now I'm getting even more in depth here. These are supposed to be secrets! Best change the topic.

Its just so nice to have him well.Collapse )

current mood: contemplative

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Sunday, September 8th, 2002
8:46 am - Make me stay?
Make Me Stay - Ani

I'm gonna turn and walk away
You can wait
Til I am far along
Then run and come
And catch my arm
And say you'd die
If I were gone
I want to hear you call my name
It's too easy
Just to say it soft
I don't like my language watered down
I don't like my edges rounded off

I can't always wait
For your circumstance to improve
Love is loose it shifts each time you move
Go ahead, put my back against the wall
Give it all up
Or don't give it to me at all
You never know this could be our last night
So step back
Step back into the light
So I can see your silouette
I'm not done looking yet

Save the profile for the camera
Give me your eye to eye
I know all your secrets
And you know all of mine
Mostly I don't go
For the soft focus and the fantasy
I need something real
I can think and say and see so

I'm going to turn and walk away
You wait til I am far along
Then run and come
And catch my arm
And say you'd die
If I were gone
Yes I'm going to turn
And walk away
You can watch me go
Or you can make me stay.

current mood: hopeful

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Saturday, September 7th, 2002
7:28 pm
The nurses have said he's well enough that I can take him out of his room for short periods, in a wheelchair.

I'm going to surprise him with it soon, I'm sure he must be aching to see something other than these walls. And I don't want to give him his ring in here.

It won't be long before I can take him home. I ache for that, for everything to just be right.

But there are things to be done first. I suppose I'll have to phone Adar and see if he can write off Figwit's bills. It is his hospital, after all. Its a conversation I'm not really looking forward to, but he will have to come to terms with the situation sooner or later. I don't plan on falling out of love any time in the next eternity.

Anyway, I think he's waking up....

current mood: content

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Wednesday, September 4th, 2002
12:46 pm - Stars in his Soul.
I'm nervous to say things are okay, because every time I begin to think we're out of the woods, something happens to knock him back. You have no idea the pain of holding him as he begins to cough up blood when you know this means they'll have to open his chest, again, and how long that will set him back for. Even he is beginning to learn the implications of each medical procedure and what it entails.

We know the doctors and healers on first name terms now, and I have been trying to aid his recovery myself. Adar heals with his spirit, passing his energy to others who need it. For myself, I have only succeeded in this with Elladan. The bond between us already so strong that I can feel him when I close my eyes. But now I have this bond with Figwit. And I like to think I help a little, though I do not have my Father's seasoned skill.

Still, I do believe things are getting better. I hope I will soon be able to take him home and look after him there. Meanwhile I have made this room as much a home to him as I can, all without ever leaving his side. I had my laptop brought in, and the internet is a wonderful thing. We have a stereo system, though the doctors have set limits on how loud he can play it, and I have set limits on how enthusiastically he can bounce along. I've bought a T.V., bad things to eat for when he's allowed to eat, half the magazine rack of the hospital shop, flowers and balloons and posters to cover up all the beeping machines that surround us.

I bought something else, too. But I'll come to that later.

We have pushed two beds together, its not safe for me to share his, yet, but this way we can still be close enough to touch. He has barely let go of me these past days, and will whimper if I so much as cross the room away from him.

I left for a few minutes earlier and returned to find him in tears, clinging to my pillow. I think the whole experience has left him very insecure. It's entirely understandable, and he will come to learn that I have no plans to leave him. Not ever.

Adar sent a note. It just says 'sorry' and there was money in it. Not like I dont use his card anyway. But its at least some kind of a show of support. He has not been in to see us, although normally he frequents the hospital, helping the healers in his employ.

He must come at some point, because we have news.

The ring, the ring that has caused all this, silver and platinum with a star cut diamond for the stars he says he sees in me. The ring he gave me after we were together the first time. The ring he couldn't pay for. The ring he lost and went through all this to reclaim....

He gave it back to me. And I cannot curse it for the harm it's caused. Because he gave it back to me with a new meaning. He proposed to me. Now it means I'm his. Always. We plan to make it official, and I want my father's blessing. I want Elladan to accept his new brother, also, however he may feel about me.

And because eternity should be shared, equally between us, we come to the other thing I bought. He says he sees stars in my eyes, I see them in his soul, and Imladris will have a new star when we are joined.

So I bought a ring that reminded me of him. Star sapphires are rare gems, with a certain quality about them that means wherever the light hits the stone it reflects as a six point star. Rare, precious and beautiful. All that he is.

And mine forever, now he has accepted it, and I mine.

*smiles* I do hope Grandfather won't think we are trying to steal his glory. I'm fairly sure he and Haldir will understand.

current mood: grateful

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Tuesday, September 3rd, 2002
6:39 am - While Hope Lives.
I really needed him. Eru, yesteday I wanted to talk to him so much it hurt. But what would be the point, he didnt really understand me and Elladan. He'll never understand this. Why does he think I left?

He comes over and tells me my boyfriend is a whore before he even mentions that he's also in hospital with life threatening chest wounds. That they nearly lost him, several times. Great priorities, Ada, really.

Yes I know what he does. Yes it pains me. Yes Ada, I know what you think. But he doesnt degrade himself. He shows his true courage by staying strong inside all of that. And by being open to love when all he has known of it is a twisted mockery.

No. It doesnt disgust me. He never could. I love him.

Yes, I love him.

And then, and only then, the words came. Hospital was really all I heard before I began to move. He called the rest down the corridor and tried to follow me, but I don't need his comfort. I just need to be there for Figwit.

In the cab I realised I have a cd he made me in my pocket. South Park, Britney and Micheal Jackson. I smiled and hoped I would have the chance to give it to him.

I don't care about the rest of the world.

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Sunday, September 1st, 2002
9:05 pm - All I Can Do Is Love Him.
Not broken...I don't think. Just a little torn. And tears can be mended. I hope they can be mended. I've tried to heal what I can, but there is still a bleeding wound inside of me that reopens every time I wonder why I have to let him do this in order to prove I love him, when all my instincts tell me that stopping him is how I should show my love.

He's done this all his life. Its nothing new. I don't have problems with his past, so why do I wish I could change his present? But he feels he has to do this.

I wish he knew how hard it is to be stong enough not to try and be strong for him. I know he loves me. I just don't understand why he won't let me help him.....I wish I had someone to talk to. I want to go to Ada, or Grandfather, and I want them to know exactly what to do.

Because I don't have a clue. So I guess I'll do all I can do. I'll just love him, and wait for him, and hope.

current mood: distressed

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7:10 am - The heart afraid of breaking.
I've never been more afraid. To get hurt, to hurt him, to lose....

He's so much braver than me. He has been hurt. Really hurt. In every way I can think of. And yet he's still open and trusting and....loving.

If I've broken that in him I should never be forgiven.

He loves me. I love him. Please someone tell me what I've got to be scared of?

Eru....I love him.

current mood: desperate

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Friday, August 30th, 2002
8:58 pm - pretty as a picture.
Well I couldn't stay away from the computer forever. I finally dug out a picture that was less than a millenia old, and scanned it.

results? New icon. I'm probably not quite as cute when not in chibi form though.

Oh, I also made a couple for Calaglin, from when he hosted the Lorien Cabaret. No, we don't know why he did it shirtless, either.



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Monday, August 26th, 2002
10:59 pm - When we collide.
Sorry to be so long in updating. I suppose real life has become rather more interesting than the computer.

....Now there are some words I thought I'd never say. Father would be so proud...I think. The curtains are open most of the day, allowing actual daylight into my room because I don't need to worry about the glare on the computer screen.

And Figwit likes the stars at night.

I have been reading 'Delta of Venus' by Anais Nin. I originally bought it to see how she covered the incest theme, very well, actually, but I find myself not so interested now. So it was a welcome distraction last night when Figwit bounded into my room to see if he had left a sock here. He was wearing the other sock. And that was all he was wearing.

I told him he was terribly overdressed, and offered a few suggestions on how I could make him forget about the lost sock.

current mood: content

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Monday, August 19th, 2002
10:54 am - being there
Typing this on Figwit's computer, so it will be quick because he's very....distracting...

I heard him yelling through the wall about being locked in his room and needing to get out. Well, he's still in a bad way, so there was no way I could hoist him through the window, and I couldn't find Calaglin anywhere. I'm no good at lockpicking myself.

So, after grabbing what I could from the kitchen (we don't seem to have any groceries this week) and picking a single white rose from the garden for him, I climbed in through his open window myself.

So now we're both locked in, although I think it may be getting us to come out that will be the bigger difficulty.

mmm....I have to go. See, I told you....distracting.


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Saturday, August 17th, 2002
4:20 pm - You can speak right to my heart.
I know I talked about Figwit in my last entry, how I wasn't sure if what we did really meant anything to him.

I suppose I found out today.

The poor elf got into a bad situation with some former clients. Yes, the same who left the sword wedged in his back last time. Only this time he wasn't willing, and they really hurt him. Theres hardly a spot on his body that is not slowly bruising and turning purple, and believe me, Ive looked.

If Grandfather had not seen and gotten him out of there, I dread to think what would have been left of Figwit.

And it happened when he was out buying me a present. I found it when I was dressing him after treating his injuries. Its a signet ring with a crystal star inlaid in the metal. It's really lovely, and needs no adjustments to fit. But I really didn't understand what I had done to merit the gift. I suppose I didn't think, more concerned with making sure he was okay.

He will be, but its going to take a while to heal, I think, even for one of our race.

Anyway, somehow we got the idea to leave our mark on Haldir and Celeborn's bed before they returned to the room. Of course, Figwit was in no state to actually make love, but he determined that the bed should be sticky, for authenticities sake, of course, so I gave him head.

It was a huge change from the silent calm of last time, I suddenly had a writhing moaning elf beneath me, declaring his adoration and his...love.

I guess I wasn't ready. I wasn't expecting that. I had thought I was a casual affair to him, and that word, casual, was out of my mouth before I could stop it.

I really hurt him. The look on his face was heartbreaking, and I never meant to do that. I just didn't think.

Took all the explaining I was capable of to tell him that I did care and I wasn't going to discard him once I'd gotten what I wanted. Not like what he was used to. It's strange, for me, to be in this position so soon after ending what I had with my brother. But I don't just use people. Figwit is very sweet, and I'd like to help him realise that about himself.

Really, he should just have rested, but he clung to me all night, and it was nice to have an eager bundle of elf puppy squirming in my arms, I couldnt complain. I've felt bored and lonely for weeks. It is very nice to feel needed.


current mood: hopeful

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Tuesday, August 13th, 2002
7:14 am - 'I think I'm gonna like it here.'
Well, last night was....eventful.

Haldir has been telling me and telling me about Figwit, who I am supposed to know because he's in a band and he stayed at Imladris. It escapes him that hundreds of people stayed at Imladris, and that I spent as much time away from it as possible.

His room is down the hall and I've barely seen him, although I've enjoyed the music that gets pumped through the walls from there most nights while I'm on the computer.

I know Hal has been getting more and more upset that he can't stop Figwit from 'degrading himself' *coughs* That means whoring himself, in the common tongue. Last night he found ot that he'd been with some orcs and got a sword stuck in him that he couldnt get out.

Now I've seen Haldir furious before, but with someone he couldnt kill? No. Seems it manifests itself in stringing the elf up from a beam in my room and shouting at him. Fun to watch, at any rate. Elladan and I used to see how far we could push him, knowing if he laid a finger on us Father would have him hung from the tallest tree in the forest. He never would have, and we really liked him, but no one is funnier when they're angry.

He couldn't hurt Figwit, of course, like anyone would have expected him to, plus Figwit would just have enjoyed it. So he got him down and left him in my room.

Which was good, because I was bored as hell anyway, like usual, and because he's kind of cute. Okay very cute. Looks a little like me ;)

So I woke up wrapped around him this morning. The first person I've shared my bed with since Elladan and I split up. No complaints here, although...I'm not sure how much it meant to him. I guess when you do it for a living...

I've liked the little time I've spent with him though. I hope he comes back at least now and then.

So thats two people in the house I've slept with. I'll start getting a reputation :)


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